How to get escorted across a rail track

Today’s post brought to you by: the city’s light rail – but only just

Grateful for: 1969

Trying hard to accept: there is a Publix in Winter Park

So after I’d made my $2.39 coffee last long enough to publish a post, I left Starbucks, found a table at the most beautiful, manicured park and ate my wholesome lunch. Including a whole avocado (following your lead, Jim).

Then, craving carbs (not following your lead, Jim) I asked Google maps to direct me to Publix.

I know there was a Publix somewhere near where I ended up because I saw the carpark. But do you think I could find the front door? Answer begins with n.

Next thing I find myself outside Wholefoods Market, being lured in by the aroma of freshly sawn Christmas trees lined up outside.

Besides Christmas trees, there are only 3 reasons to enter Wholefoods:

• to buy all those tres-gourmet things you can’t find anywhere else, like a Winter Park husband
• to eat at the free food sampling stations that appear every 7 steps
• to be sung happy birthday to

After eating at every sampling station I completely lost interest in finding the elusive Publix.

Strolled back to the posh shops in the 20-something degrees winter sun having a good ol’ time looking at all the houses and seeing which I could afford to buy. FYI, none.

Now here’s a tip. Do not go into an incredibly expensive gift store and spray yourself with honeysuckle and something body oil thinking it was honeysuckle and something perfume. See what happens.

Not only does this significantly reduce your chances of finding a Mercedes-driving Winter Park husband but it also discourages you from entering the hallowed halls of the Tiffany glass museum.

With 23 minutes till the train was leaving I rushed off to Gap – being the only place in town to buy a t-shirt for less than $89.95.

And blow me down if I don’t find one on the sale rack for 40% off the already 50% off price. And it’s got my birth year on it!

Here’s an interesting fact. Well, it is to me, J-Lo, Jay-Z and Marilyn Manson anyway. Gap opened in San Francisco in 1969. For their 50th birthday they re-released their classic styles. Which means my almost-free t-shirt’ll be worth heaps on eBay in 50 years. Enough to retire to Winter Park.

With 11 minutes till the train was leaving, Gap made its speediest sale in 50 years.

Got to the train ticket machine, inserted debit card. Transaction declined. Tried 7 more times, shoving card in every possible way. Tried other machine. Ditto.

A train ambassador wandered over. “Try it again” he unhelpfully suggested. “I’ve tried 7 times” I said through gritted teeth.

He heard my accent. “Oh, these machines don’t accept foreign cards. You’ll have to pay by cash”.

“THESE MACHINES DON’T ACCEPT CASH”, shrieked a loud, irate NZ accent.

“Well you’ll have to use the machines on the other side of the tracks then”.

6 minutes till train leaves. He must’ve radioed his buddy on the other side (“Warning, irate tourist comin’ your way”) because that guy was quick as a flash to help me.

Then the two of them personally escorted me back across the tracks, like gentlemen-in-waiting (should’ve gotten them to carry my bags) and I got to the train with 1 minute to spare.

And in that instant, my low blood pressure problem was miraculously cured.

Only in Williams Sonoma would you find spatulas with Christmas snowmen, tartan, Harry Potter, your star sign, your name, or beater (get it) still your nemesis’ name.

Note from editor: More middle-of-the-night online chats with WordPress Help(!). I publish a post, it’s live for 30 minutes then disappears into the abyss, never to be seen again. Till they fix it (they WILL fix it) I’m rewriting posts from memory. So don’t be surprised if you see similar posts twice.