Gail Wilson will be that stomach

Today’s post brought to you by: Gentlemen, we can rebuild her. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic stomach. Stronger, leaner, fuller.

Grateful for: the brains across the road

Trying hard to accept: My beloved Rhett’s buggered off somewhere

Never a truer word said

Eureka!!!! I’ve found a way to stay.

Am on the piazza, aka, porch of a coffee shop opposite Medical University of South Carolina, founded 1824. See?

Given that my beloved Rhett-in-shining-armour’s nowhere to be seen – probably heading to Scarlett’s for Thanksgiving – I have cleverly thought of plan B to pay me enough money to live here forever, and afford $995 + tax collagen eye cream.

Am going to sell my body to the men in white coats across the road.

Was lying in bed last night watching funniest thing to hit HBO in years (‘Divorce’) when the local news flashed a headline onto Sarah Jessica Parker’s horsey face.

Jimmy Dean Foods and Winn Dixie have given the university a massive pile of cash to create a human body able to eat biscuits, sausage and gravy 24/7 and never:

• Feel sick
• Be sick
• Spawn a zit
• Be clad in anything larger than a size 4

Leapt out of bed and ran down to the university (stop your moaning ribs, you’re getting something out of this too, you know), shoved everyone else out of the way, applied a coat of knock-‘em-dead red lipstick and schmoozed my way into being the test body. No, not dummy. Body.

While I wait for my first pay cheque, I got these from supermarket for total of $2.29 (!) to start lining my stomach.

I’m just so incredibly happy here in the south. Since the first time I stepped off a Greyhound bus all those years ago it’s enchanted me.

Sure I love the class and sophistication of the northeast, my beloved Chicago, and the trees and salmon of the west coast, but it’s a different world down here – one that frankly I don’t want to leave.

Early this morning I wandered down to the supermarket along the autumn leaf-lined streets as the sun created a golden glow over everything. The cashier called me “baby”. I like that.

I then found myself sitting at the counter of the Park Cafe chatting to the super lovely owner and customers. Just like Monday mornings at Prefab.

This afternoon, as the sun developed that deep intense autumn colour, I walked along my neighbourhood streets swapping “How ya doin’” with the old men sitting on their porches.

I know it’s easy to be happy when you’re on holiday but it’s more than that. It’s a feeling of being at home here. And that feeling doesn’t come along very often, even in the place you were born.

Typical house in my neighbourhood. I’ve Zillowed it and worth about $700,000. But I found a single-storey for $460,000 which is a heck of a lot cheaper than where I live.

My Airbnb pad. The sharp-eyed of you will notice there’s a door to nowhere on the porch. Por que? Because shutting the door told your would-be visitors to bugger off. Opening the door told them it was ok to descend on you, eat all your food, use all your toilet paper and hog your TV.

I have but one complaint, Uncle Sam.

In a land where you can go to a drive-thru and get a four-course diabetic kosher low-salt Thanksgiving dinner at 3am, there is one thing you cannot get.

Fresh cheap broccoli. Or any cousin thereof.

Wonder if CVS sells anti-rickets tablets.

Because I’m fiscally responsible (cheap) I eat at places like deli below where the only green thing is romain lettuce. (Wonder if CVS sells anti-E coli tablets – there’s an outbreak).

Two things in this picture rhyme. The answer is not ‘chips and dips’. Try again.

To get a side of steamed veg you have to reach deeper into your shallow pockets and go somewhere like I’m eating tonight – crab cakes and two sides – which will be a double order of veg.

Which reminds me – Laura and Kevin – are you there? Please please please can we have that green bean and mushroom soup casserole with fried onions on top? I’ll get the stuff and make it. And banana pudding?

Please?